Dear Abby: Fussing fiancee treats him like a child
Dear Abby I m engaged to a delightful woman from a foreign country She s a divorcee and her -year-old son is doing well in college She essentially raised him herself Because of several spectrum disorder and ADHD effects her son was apparently a handful I am healthy have multiple advanced degrees including an M D and a Ph D and have enjoyed a fruitful and lucrative career I have raised six happy healthy and independent children I ve worked very hard and have a substantial bankroll My concern is that she tends to treat me like she might treat her son She asks me repeatedly if I m cold and suggests that I wear more clothes She asks me if I m hungry thirsty or tired and if I should exercise I don t think she does it maliciously I think she genuinely cares for me and is expressing her love with these matronly concerns I have suggested repeatedly that she doesn t need to provide advice on clothing hunger etc that I m an adult and have successfully figured out those things for a very long time She has much less money than I do and I help to patronage her But I cannot continue to tolerate her maternalistic attitude I have stated her several times that I need a lover not a mother but it doesn t seem to penetrate How can I get this woman whom I love to treat me as an adult and not to question my mature decisions Nobody s Child in New York Dear Nobody s Child Your fiancee may not be trying to infantilize you A large number of if not bulk women who love the men in their lives fuss over them Because her efforts are not pleasing and are having a negative effect you are going to have to be more direct in your message and by that I mean tell her it is such a turnoff for you that you are considering ending the relationship Stating it just that way may help the message to penetrate And if it doesn t then you aren t the man for her Dear Abby I have been in a relationship with my partner for years While the first two years were good things have slowly deteriorated For example we used to go to movies and dinner at least one day a weekend Now we don t do anything unless he wants to play cards I m getting bored with cards all the time I feel like I m wasting my life sitting at home with him There s no excitement And to top it off when we do go places we invariably end up taking my car and I must pay for the gas and wear and tear It s getting old Any advice Fed Up in Missouri Dear Fed Up You appear to be the passive partner in this relationship If you would like to change the balance of power assert yourself Because you find playing cards so often boring and he isn t up for going to a show or out for dinner go with a girlfriend I wish you had mentioned why you provide all the transportation because changing that pattern should be as easy as saying No I prefer we use YOUR car this time Remember nothing will change unless YOU change Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren also known as Jeanne Phillips and was founded by her mother Pauline Phillips Contact Dear Abby at www DearAbby com or P O Box Los Angeles CA
