Susan Strong: Open adoption transforms families

I have experienced firsthand the courage of two birth mothers who chose my husband and me to raise their babies We met these pregnant women as well as the birth fathers and birth grandparents of our daughters Together we decided to move forward and build our unconventional family It is called open adoption Our children know their full story living their lives knowing who they are and how they came to be adopted A few open-adoption arrangements are subtle with occasional contact throughout the year We went all in after meeting Carmen our first birth mother and then Nadia our second With open minds and open hearts we shared our stories and listened to one another realizing that we could help each other We formed a family circle bound together by choice vulnerability communication and greater part importantly trust We have stood next to each other at graduations weddings funerals a large number of celebrations and visited often With this approach we held hands and embraced the unexpected outcomes together The best example of our -year family journey was explained through a simple tradition at our daughter Caitlin s wedding Caitlin and her father were enjoying a spontaneous spin during their father-daughter dance when Bob let go of her hand She glanced up perplexed and then she saw him Her birth father slowly walked onto the floor with open arms and a brimming smile ready to finish the dance Bob knew it was his dance to share with Patrick The magic was in watching the guests comprehend our family dynamic in real time While numerous of our loved ones had met our two birth families on other occasions this was the first time we were all together in one place celebrating together We invited the birth families of both daughters clearly demonstrating that adoption does not separate families It unites them Plenty of have communicated us that we are different that insufficient people could raise their children while maintaining a close relationship with the birth families I disagree To share our children with the people who made them is the most of incredible honor It may not be typical but it s just another version of family and we all know the challenges and triumphs of building a family Step families have been setting the example for generations It s more about who shows up for one another than who is related by blood The same holds true for families formed through open adoption Adoption is not dependably easy I learned that attachment and abandonment issues are real possibilities for adoptees Our own children have helped me understand this Through counseling and mentoring we seek the help and tools needed to help us approach the crevice that is created when the birthmother hands her baby to the adoptive parent This is a lifelong process for the adoptee If the birthmother knows she is supported by the adoptive family and she can continue to know her child this open line of communication helps her grow individually and bond with her child throughout the years Every adoption story is different A common misconception is that in order to make open adoption accomplished you have to arrive already open and accepting But that s not how it works It s a learning curve full of risks and rewards just like any worthwhile endeavor Open adoption is a choice to cultivate relationships where a child s best interests are at the heart of every decision While it can feel impossible you are not alone Your adoption is supported because everyone is in it together Open adoption succeeds because it incorporates three essential ingredients choice trust and love The birth mother has the choice to decide who she wishes to raise and nurture her baby Once she chooses the adoptive parents together they choose each other and agree on what their relationship will be and how to move forward A safe ecosystem is created and nurtured by birth and adoptive parents who trust each other agreeing to keep their word to each other I was petitioned plenty of times if I was afraid the birthmother would change her mind and keep the baby I thought about it but we all had counseling with every step and more importantly Carmen Nadia the birth fathers Tony and Patrick and Bob and I were committed to one another The indescribable power of love blooms and grows through these relationships To share our children with the people who made them is the the bulk incredible honor The more I share our story my hope is that people will shift their attitude about adoption from one that feels scary to an informed approach one that starts with choice and ends with love Susan Strong is a Twin Cities-based writer adoption advocate and author of One Yes at a Time How Open Adoption Transformed Our Family Read more at susanstrong substack com and www susanstrongauthor com