Asking Eric: Parent gives daughter’s ex free room and board plus a loan

Dear Eric Over the last years the father of my grandchildren has been a severe alcoholic Two years ago my daughter left him After he had been living on the streets my daughter petitioned if he could stay in my basement so that he would get sufficient rest and be able to have the children with him she knows it s pivotal for the children to be with their dad I agreed This young man has been unemployed for at least two years He has been going to AA and although he has relapsed several times he has not been violently drunk the way he was in the past He seems to be working the activity I lent him in July to pay part of an open court affair he has At that time I wrote out that he had to have a job and pay me back the by a certain date or he would no longer be living at my house He has interviewed for multiple jobs but is still unemployed I don t know if he self-sabotages or doesn t follow through What I do know is that housing him is expensive for me feeding a -year-old male and the added electricity and other utilities that of unit he uses The due date for the is looming Part of me thinks that his children need to be able to see him still and maybe I should let him stay the other part of me says that he necessities to move out He s been given ample opportunity to make good on what he owes me and to be employed What do you think Full House Dear House The car may already be out of the driveway on this one but it s perhaps helpful to separate the loan from the housing agreement He requirements to pay you back either way And he necessities to move out Right now you re overextended You re housing your daughter s ex you re feeding him and you re loaning him money It s too much for you and it s too much for the fraught relationship you have I m curious what he s contributing to the house in return for a place to live Even without a job he s capable of helping around the house of cooking of cleaning of showing up for you While it may be good for the children to have their father in their lives you should ask whether living under your roof is the only way for him to accomplish that Perhaps the best place for him right now is a recovery house where he can continue to get encouragement in working his activity as well as promotion and accountability in his job pursuits Talk to him about housing first It shouldn t be a punishment for not repaying the loan Instead frame it as a conversation about the best path forward for everyone Dear Eric I am organizing a workplace event for approximately participants and requested that they RSVP To date only five individuals have responded Should I assume that the remaining invitees will not attend If particular of them arrive without confirming how should I manage the situation Given my limited budget is it necessary to prepare food for all people Confused Dear Confused Send out a last call reminder to RSVP and be sure to note that if people don t RSVP you can t guarantee that there will be space or food for them And then only prepare enough for the yeses with a buffer of an extra percent or so to help confront anything unexpected Dear Eric Your answer to Concerned Dad the letter writer who was worried his daughter had fallen for another player left me wondering are you kidding The flashing warning sign was obvious in Dad s third paragraph after over three months they have not seen each other on a weekend The guy is either married or has a full-time relationship going on I write this opinion from the perspective of the multiple single women who buy into the tired migraine busy excuses Daughter requirements to face reality and Dad requirements to understand she doesn t want to Related Articles Asking Eric Daughter s clutter keeps getting her kicked out of apartments Asking Eric Friend is shell of himself after relationship Asking Eric Family thinks brother is too wealthy to be included in tradition Asking Eric Between affairs and a secret crypto account wife can t trust husband anymore Asking Eric Husband keeps giving wife socks they remind her of a terrible experience Thanks for multiple fun morning conversations with my husband Been There Dear Been There Quite possibly so If the daughter had written in I d have been more inclined to reply find someone who can see you during non-business hours But the dad for all of his good intentions is letting his concerns get him too involved in his daughter s dating life He s expressed his opinion and she s made her choice Sometimes we can t pester our loved ones into better choices But to build on Ann Landers when they wake up and smell the coffee we can be there with a fresh mug and a supportive shoulder Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com