Asking Eric: Neighbor is friendly but drives drunk

Dear Eric I have an alcoholic neighbor with whom I am friendly We do minor favors for each other I am aware that he drinks and drives home from a nearby bar which I have issues about He drives a shuttle for airport crews and others and I don t believe he drinks before he does those rides But he frequents the bar often and then drives home which is a mile or so I feel like I should tell the police before he does have a crash with terrible consequences for someone else We live on a major highway and I am dependably afraid when I know he s gone to the bar I don t want him to lose his job or face DUI charges if he s caught but even more I don t want him to have to confront knowing he badly injured or killed someone I feel tormented by this I feel guilty for thinking I should rat him out because he helped me out quite a bit and doing so would make me an ingrate I am the child of an alcoholic so I have trouble telling what s my responsibility and what isn t from being taught everything was my fault I also fear that if I don t rat him out and he gets in a terrible crash that kills someone it will be my fault for not reporting him for the irresponsible behavior Can you please clear this up for me so I can stop spinning about it A Concerned Neighbor Dear Neighbor Let s shift particular terminology to see things a little more clearly If you have knowledge that someone is driving under the influence it s your civic duty and your legal right to alert the functionaries about the danger this action poses to the driver himself and to the population Your history as the child of someone who suffered from alcoholism may prompt you to frame this action as ratting out but I invite you to think of it instead as showing up for your neighbors in the same way that pulling a fire alarm would be You can choose to call if you have knowledge of immediate danger or a multitude of law enforcement agencies have non-emergency online portals or local numbers for reporting concerns You can also talk to him about your concerns and ask that he stop But you may find that this is a situation that s better navigated by trained people in positions of authority I want to be clear if something terrible were to happen or if your neighbor fails a field sobriety test after being stopped it would not be your fault Alcoholism is a condition and while your neighbor is not a bad person for having an illness he is responsible for what he does while suffering from that illness Dear Eric My son s second wife is trying to keep him away from me and not allow me to see his triplet daughters She is not the children s mother Before his current marriage he and another woman had triplet girls From the girls birth he and their mother did not get along He married his second wife when the triplets were about three They are now eight years old and the second wife is isolating him and the girls from me When he somehow managed to begin talking to me again and then bringing the girls to see me she punished them by saying in June that they could not stay at my house for the remainder of the year My son agreed Her mother may see and keep them and so can my son s stepmother My son is a hard worker now holding three jobs however he does not manage money well I believe his second wife helped him save his house I am trying to save the relationship between my son and me I don t know what else to do Sad Mother and Grandmother Related Articles Asking Eric Niece grows distant from family after wedding Asking Eric Prolonged grief complicated by obsessive-compulsive disorder Asking Eric Friend drags up addiction-related offenses years later Asking Eric Volunteer s memory issues pose challenge for a church Asking Eric Coworkers called stingy for not contributing to honeymoon fund Dear Mother The crux of the challenge is in the sentence my son agreed The relationship may be unhealthy if she s trying to isolate him from family it may be a sign of emotional abuse To get to the bottom of it you ve got to have a conversation with your son Ask him why he agreed to stay away from you ask if there s something unsaid between the two of you and ask him what s going on in his marriage that s affecting his relationship with you Try to do this without judgment while also being clear about how you feel and how this is impacting you Seek to understand and offer help if it s needed Your son has to be responsible for his own decisions and if he s willing to keep his children and himself away from you he should be able to articulate why Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com