Asking Eric: Friendship disrupted by house full of security cameras

Dear Eric I m worried I ll lose my longtime friendship I met S several years ago when we lived closer to each other She possibly is the closest friend I ve ever had Her husband T sometimes joined us but mostly it was S and me About three years ago I moved several states away from S Of program I miss our friendship When I have other obligations in her state I try to stop for a limited days Her husband now has small cameras indoors and out I find this a little creepy I revealed two in the bedroom I sleep in I felt like I was being watched all night It upset me so much I m having trouble going back I ve struggled with talking to S about it as it would not only hurt her but it would also drive a wedge in her relationship with T I don t want to be responsible for either one of those things I think S would say no to meeting up somewhere neutral She had planned to come here but it fell through and she was bringing T Please help me save this precious relationship Missing My BFF Dear BFF You may be taking on too much responsibility for S and T s relationship dynamics If a simple request about feeling secure in the place where you re sleeping hurts her or drives a wedge in her marriage that s largely her responsibility I don t write this to be callous But think of what you re definitely asking you don t want to be filmed while you sleep This is not unreasonable in the least There may be more complicated dynamics going on between S and T So having a friend say this made me uncomfortable and I just want to check in about it may give S the opportunity to confide in you or to see things differently You want your friendship to thrive but you also want your friend to thrive and if that s not happening because of her marriage she demands someone in whom she can confide A starter script might come in the form of a check-in You really matter to me and I miss being so close to you I d love to visit more but the cameras made me uncomfortable Can we find a approach Dear Eric I am an adult woman who lives several states away from my father He s coming to visit me for the first time in years and I m looking forward to clearing the air with him on several issues from childhood When he comes he will insist on going out to eat at specific restaurants as that is one of his favorite things to do His pattern his entire adult life is to find as much as feasible about the utility and or food to complain to the server about and it is embarrassing He will not stop until the manager basically comes over to kiss his feet We ve confronted him about this before and he says if I owned the restaurant I would appreciate the feedback Throughout my childhood this would happen at least twice weekly I will no longer be a part of this restaurant ritual he has especially because I live in a very small town In the past I ve tried cooking before he gets a chance to go to the restaurant but he ll go anyway and feign ignorance that I had cooked How do I talk to him about my new restaurant boundaries when I d rather prioritize other more essential issues we ve had He will insist on restaurants while here I m worried if I bring up too plenty of issues he ll shut down Out to Eat Dear Out to Eat You two have a lot to work through so an agenda of sorts will be useful And it will be helpful to set it and your expectations for it in advance Related Articles Asking Eric Wife to stepdaughter this is war Asking Eric Neighbor is friendly but drives drunk Asking Eric Niece grows distant from family after wedding Asking Eric Prolonged grief complicated by obsessive-compulsive disorder Asking Eric Friend drags up addiction-related offenses years later Part of this intention-setting should involve locations I want to talk with you and heal particular things in our relationship and it won t work to have these conversations in masses like at a restaurant So let s agree to spend time together at my home and then if you want to go out to eat maybe we treat that as a time of separate reflection or recharging I won t be joining you at restaurants on this trip I understand the struggle to resist someone who is insisting especially a parent with seemingly overbearing tendencies But you don t have to leave your house He can complain and insist but here and elsewhere No is a complete sentence And if you establish beforehand what your agenda is where your visit will happen and where it won t you have something to fall back on No this is what I commented I needed But you go and enjoy yourself Send questions to R Eric Thomas at eric askingeric com or P O Box Philadelphia PA Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas com